Mixed Feelings -- Emotions From Anger to Zealous
There's nothing like cancer to draw out every raw emotion you've ever felt ... and then some. I imagine there's also all the stages of grieving thrown in for extra measure ... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. First you ask "Why me?" but then before you give in to your own pity party, you get angry. And determined. And resolute. And scared. And euphoric. You have to find the silver lining. You have to reach deep inside. You go more inside yourself than you ever have before while reaching out to others to stay connected to your support systems. Your state of mind will be a strong determining factor in how hard and long this ride is. And this is one ride I want to get off as soon as possible. Your emotions go from one extreme to the other like you are the poster child for "moody." And you've always been steadfast and stable emotionally. Cancer is sneaky; it likes to play with you.
These past few weeks I have gone from sobbing uncontrollably and without warning in a public restaurant to making jokes about the following imagined conversation with the Almighty:
Me: God, you know I have this REALLY LONG bucket list; I mean it's ridiculous with so much left to do in my life and I'm not getting any younger. I really need your help in staying healthy into my later years so I can accomplish all I need to.
God: Hmm. Seems I've heard that one before. Maybe in between your failed exercise programs, New Year's Resolutions gone bad, sips of Coca-Cola and bites of chocolate. I can't help anyone who refuses to help themselves.
Me: I've tried, God. Not real good at this healthy eating thing ... and I don't like to sweat.
God: And you like your current weight, do you? I thought you were gonna get into that new lower-sized wardrobe you have in storage this year?
Me: Nope ... and yes Sir, would love to fit back into those clothes again!
God: Well, you've known what you needed to do to get healthier for a while now and I've given you the support and knowledge to do just that. Excuses are like ... well, never mind. You're a stubborn one. You're not listening.
Me: But ....
God: Okay, I think I have a way to get your attention this time. But you're not gonna like it. However, I want to answer that prayer about the long bucket list. How about BREAST CANCER?!?
Me: WHAT?!? Well, you've got my attention now! I'm listening! (stifles a scream)
And with that I have made the biggest changes in my lifestyle including completely quitting alcohol, getting rid of sugary drinks like soda, cutting out as many sugars and carbs as I can while eating more vegetables. While the other attempts at improving my health through the choices I make have been short-lived fads, this time I'm serious. Cancer is more motivating than a personal trainer. And God is watching.
So while I struggle with this emotional ping-pong game, I try to stay as strong as I can. "Be kind to yourself," is what my doctor says. This means working on my coping strategies, eating well, getting enough sleep, increasing exercise. It doesn't mean working more, skipping meals or overeating, getting to bed really late ... all that jazz. I have to get healthier, change my lifestyle and beat this thing. Because I have a REALLY LONG bucket list. And my next conversation with God is gonna go much better ...
These past few weeks I have gone from sobbing uncontrollably and without warning in a public restaurant to making jokes about the following imagined conversation with the Almighty:
Me: God, you know I have this REALLY LONG bucket list; I mean it's ridiculous with so much left to do in my life and I'm not getting any younger. I really need your help in staying healthy into my later years so I can accomplish all I need to.
God: Hmm. Seems I've heard that one before. Maybe in between your failed exercise programs, New Year's Resolutions gone bad, sips of Coca-Cola and bites of chocolate. I can't help anyone who refuses to help themselves.
Me: I've tried, God. Not real good at this healthy eating thing ... and I don't like to sweat.
God: And you like your current weight, do you? I thought you were gonna get into that new lower-sized wardrobe you have in storage this year?
Me: Nope ... and yes Sir, would love to fit back into those clothes again!
God: Well, you've known what you needed to do to get healthier for a while now and I've given you the support and knowledge to do just that. Excuses are like ... well, never mind. You're a stubborn one. You're not listening.
Me: But ....
God: Okay, I think I have a way to get your attention this time. But you're not gonna like it. However, I want to answer that prayer about the long bucket list. How about BREAST CANCER?!?
Me: WHAT?!? Well, you've got my attention now! I'm listening! (stifles a scream)
And with that I have made the biggest changes in my lifestyle including completely quitting alcohol, getting rid of sugary drinks like soda, cutting out as many sugars and carbs as I can while eating more vegetables. While the other attempts at improving my health through the choices I make have been short-lived fads, this time I'm serious. Cancer is more motivating than a personal trainer. And God is watching.
So while I struggle with this emotional ping-pong game, I try to stay as strong as I can. "Be kind to yourself," is what my doctor says. This means working on my coping strategies, eating well, getting enough sleep, increasing exercise. It doesn't mean working more, skipping meals or overeating, getting to bed really late ... all that jazz. I have to get healthier, change my lifestyle and beat this thing. Because I have a REALLY LONG bucket list. And my next conversation with God is gonna go much better ...
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